Email letters about predicaments of love, life and families

Dear Dr. Roberta,
 I’m in love with a great guy and he loves me too. I have been seeing him for two months. There’s something that’s bothering me, though. I’ve never been to his house and I’ve never met his mother, who he lives with. He lives close to his job and he always has me drop him off at his office, saying he has work to do. We share everything with each other and the closer we get the more this has me wondering. What should I do?
Dating Dilemma

Dear Dating Dilemma,

You should stop being so trusting and start snooping! Is he married? Does he have a live-in girlfriend? A house full of children? Does he really live with his mother? Get your answers before you get more involved.  

Dear Dr. Roberta: 
I’m in love with a man who’s fourteen years older than I am.  He tells me that he’s no good for me and I should find somebody else.  I know that he’s really a good man and he just doesn’t know that he’s worthy.  He always puts himself down, and his mother puts him down and insults him, too. I want to build him up and I want to marry him.  He insists that he’s not a good person and I should stay away from him.  What should I do?
In Love

Dear In Love: 

You should listen to him.  It’s not your job to change his self-image.  He’s telling you the truth about how he feels about himself.  It’s very unfortunate, but it’s not your responsibility.  Save your interest in rescue work for a job or a pet, and look for a man who’s interested in getting married.

Dear Dr. Roberta: 
I’m very nervous about my husband and his new secretary.  They talk on the phone during the weekend, and I’m afraid something is going on between them.  What should I do?
Wife, New York

Dear Wife:  Stop worrying about what is going on between the secretary and your husband and pay attention to what’s going on between you and your husband. Strong marriages can tolerate flirtations and crushes.  You need to work on strengthening your relationship with your husband by talking, loving, and demonstrating an interest in your husband’s business, too

Dear Dr. Roberta:
Our wedding will be the first time that my mother and father have set eyes on each other since their horrible divorce years ago. I’m afraid that there will be a scene, especially because mom is showing up with her husband and he’s the man who broke up their marriage. I am trying to convince my bride to elope but she has her heart set on a big wedding. Please give me some advice. I’m already having nightmares.
Son of Divorce

Dear Son of Divorce,

If you skip having a wedding to avoid a confrontation you’re setting a poor precedent. Will you skip having children to avoid a clash at the hospital? Will you skip family birthday parties, graduations, and holiday celebrations? It’s time to resolve this.

Find a way to have your parents and step-father get together prior to the wedding. Plan a meal at a restaurant or a visit to the bride’s family’s home. Your folks will have a chance to adjust to each other and get over the shock of being near one another before your wedding day.

Next, speak to your dad ahead of time. Tell him how much it means to you that he act appropriately and how happy you are that he is there for you on this important day. Perhaps you can give him a special role in the ceremony.

Dear Dr. Roberta:
When my husband has a problem he heads straight for his dad. His dad knows more about our finances and about my husband’s job than I do. How can I get my husband to come to me first and trust me with his problems?
Left-out Bride

Dear Left-out Bride:

When you can’t fight ‘em, join ‘em. Tell your father-in-law that you are worried about how your husband will get along in later life when he’ll have to solve problems without the benefit of his dad. Suggest that he share some of his wisdom with you so that you’ll be able to be your husband’s helpmate. When your father-in-law realizes that you are not a threat to his relationship with his son he’ll include you in discussions.  Have patience; this will take some time but it will pay off for you.

Dear Dr. Roberta:
My grandson is a spoiled brat. It is very difficult to sit through dinner at my children’s home with that little boy interrupting, spilling, and jumping around. My daughter and son-in-law never correct him and when I do they do not back me up. How can I get them to bring up my grandson son properly?
Shocked Grandma

Dear Shocked Grandma:

I’m shocked that your kids continue to invite you to their house. You had your chance to bring up your children and now it is their turn. They may bring up their son exactly as they wish, whether or not it meets with your approval. You are a guest in their home and must respect their ways of doing things. If you cannot tolerate your grandson’s behavior stay home.

Dear Dr. Roberta: 
I go to high school and can’t make friends.  I’m quiet and I don’t have a boyfriend.  I feel lonely when my sister goes out dancing or has friends come over.  Some people think I conceited, but I’m not.  I’m afraid to open up to anyone, but I feel so desperate.  Please help me.
High School Loser

Dear High School:  Start by opening up only to yourself.  Spend 20 minutes every day writing your feelings in a diary.  Say everything.  Then begin to concentrate on your schoolwork.  Do all assignments, all readings, and extra work, too.  Shy people like yourself are often thought to be snobs, but that is not true.  Others don’t realize that is you were brave enough to speak to them, you would.  Whatever is holding back your sociability will come out after a few weeks of daily writing, and then you’ll find life much easier.  Please let me know about your successes in school.

Dear Dr. Roberta,
I am the mother of three children. I got married right after I graduated from school and I started having babies right away. Now I feel that I missed out on a lot. I am trapped and when I talk to my husband about this he just doesn’t get it. I am ready to run away but I don’t really want to harm my family. Please give me some advice.
Unhappy Mother

Dear Mother:

It doesn’t matter that your husband does not understand you. What matters is that you understand you. Your husband cannot rescue you; you need to rescue yourself. Yes, you may have missed out on a lot, but soon you will be in the enviable position of having a family almost all grown and you’ll still have the youth and energy to enjoy life, begin a career, or return to school.

Spend the next year on a quest to understand yourself. What would you do all day if your children were all grown? Prepare now for that time by deciding what skills you need to learn and then figure out how you will go about learning them. 

Leaving your family won’t accomplish much for you and will have dire consequences for everyone else. Stay where you are, please.

Dear Dr. Roberta,
My parents just announced that they are getting a divorce and even though they promised they’d pay my tuition, and I have just one year of college left, I won’t have enough money to continue. They say that they have to maintain two households now and won’t be able to continue helping me. Why can’t they wait until I graduate before splitting up? This is not fair.
College Girl

Dear College Girl,

Stop whining! Your parents are not getting a divorce in order to harm you. You are proving the point I made to the previous letter writer - there is no good time for parents to get a divorce. Probably your parents are suffering and going through terrible times. Please stop thinking of yourself for a moment and speak to each of your parents. Some kind words from you might help them adjust to their new circumstances.

Become resourceful and figure out how to help yourself - there are jobs, full time and part-time, there are loans, there are scholarships, and there are financial aid officers at every college. 

Dear Dr. Roberta: 
My husband makes the most annoying comments whenever we’re out with friends. No matter how many times I tell him to stop, he continues to do it.  I’m ready to start socializing without him. What do you think?
Suffering Wife

Dear Wife:

I don’t think it’s a good idea. Marriages are strengthened when couples socialize together, as a couple, with other couples. Since telling your husband to stop doesn’t work, it’s time to try another tactic. Try ignoring him, try agreeing with him, or try bribing him. One of these interventions will get good results. Bribery  may be your best option. Choose something he really wants and promise it to him if he behaves himself.

Dear Dr. Roberta: 
I never thought I would need to write to you.  My husband enjoys watching racy movies and I cannot tolerate knowing that he does.  It’s not that I’m a prude.  It’s that I hate to know he’s looking at women with perfect bodies and my body has always been fat.  This is the only problem in our marriage.
Plump, California

Dear Plump:  It’s not a secret that you are overweight.  If your husband wanted to be married to someone who looks like a movie star, he would not have married you.  He knows who you are and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  Try to appreciate you body as much as your husband does.

Dear Dr. Roberta: 
I’ve been happily married for four years.  I love my husband with all my heart.  My problem is that I was a virgin when we married, and now I have been wondering what it would be like to be with another man. My husband satisfies me and we have a very good sex life.  Is it normal for a woman to fantasize about other men?
Curious, Alaska

Dear Curious:  You are married, not dead.  Of course you’ll think about other men.  But you will remain faithful to your husband.  That’s why you took your marriage vows.  A great sex life develops from love and commitment and gets better as the marriage grows. If you play with fire, you may get burned.  It’s not worth the risk. Remember, curiosity killed the cat.

Dear Dr. Roberta: 
I have a good husband and a good marriage, but when I talk to my girlfriends, I feel that I have a bad sex life.  They have more pleasure than I do.  When they describe their experiences, I feel like I am not a full woman.  What should I do?
Disappointed in Sex

Dear Disappointed:  You should stop comparing yourself to others.  Everyone has a unique way of responding to sex.  Your way has not hurt you or your husband.  If you are looking for greater pleasure, don’t discuss it with your girlfriends, but turn to your husband.  Together you and he can read books or watch sex-instruction videos (not porno films) that teach couples how to improve their sexual responsiveness.  Don’t worry about this.  During the lifetime of a marriage couples have good years and not so good years, sexually.

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